There was a turtle and a hare. The turtle said: Want to see who can get home the fastest? The rabbit scoffed and said: You're on.
The turtle started the race, and won. The rabbit didn't even go five feet when he saw the turtle was already at home.

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St.Peter if they can still be married.
     ''Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and i will be right back."
         Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
           The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"
               To which St.Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up there -- how long do you think it will take me to find  lawyer.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather did, in his sleep-- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

A wife comes in and yells, "Honey,pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!"
      Her husband yells back, "Should i pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
          The wife replies,"I don't care! Just get the hell out!"

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world's most powerful military organization HQ. but luckily no one was around to see him.   So he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When he arrived it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one outside, he felt very lucky. He was now only a few yards from his office. Suddenly, he heard footsteps and the voice of the General close,there was no way he could make it to his office, so he ducked into the Laboratory and Research Development . The head scientist looked up puzzled with interest.                           The soldier said "I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Program"
"I see," the Head Scientist said"But the shrink ray seems to be working perfectly

There was a lawyer and he was just waking from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're beautiful!" And then fell asleep again. His wife has never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute!", Well the wife was disappointed because instead of beautiful it was cute. She said"What happened to beautiful?'' His reply was "The drugs are wearing off"

An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
          He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up
       Outside he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house,crawls up the stairs and pulls himself to bed. The next morning , his wife stands over him shouting''so you've been out boozing again''
    ''What makes you say that'' the man said
       
      ''the pub called you left your wheelchair again''

Two hunters were out in the woods and one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips up a phone and dials emergency services . He gasps ''My friend is dead .What should i do'' The operator says''Calm down lets make sure he is dead''. There is a silence ,then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone the guy says ''OK,now what''