Black humor

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather did, in his sleep-- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
          He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up
       Outside he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house,crawls up the stairs and pulls himself to bed. The next morning , his wife stands over him shouting''so you've been out boozing again''
    ''What makes you say that'' the man said
       
      ''the pub called you left your wheelchair again''

this kid walks up to his mom and says mom which one am I more Jewish or black . the mom says go ask your dad .the kid goes to his dad and asks which one am I more Jewish or black?the dad asks ,why?and the kid says because there's a kid selling a bike for $50 and  I don't know if I should jew him down or steal it.

there is a fat man on the plane with a pilot. they are alone on the plane.the plane is falling from the sky and the only food onboard is beans.the fat man asks the pilot whats wrong and the pilot replies we have no fumes.the fat man says whip up those beans so i dont have to die with you in the middle of nowhere.the pilot says what do you mean.the fat man says,you give me some beans and your gonna get some fumes my friend.

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

This is one you can play on your friends: For a guy to say to a girl. can change it by changing man to woman.

You tell them you had a dream that both of you were in a car accident and died then went to heaven. You saw god on a massive throne and he said your name and told you to come forward. You did and he said: "For all your sins, you will be spending eternity married to this woman." He then pointed to an extremely ugly woman. "And you, (insert friends name here)" god said, "will spend eternity with this man." The man he pointed to was a model. " How come she gets to spend it with a super model and I have to spend eternity with an ugly woman?" You asked. God replied with: "Its for all the sins he committed."

One man enters in an ambulance and says to the doctor:
- Help me, please. I have a knife in my back.
The doctor, looking his watch says:
- Now is 2:20 PM, and I work till 2, so as you can imagine I've finished for today, and I can’t help you. Be so kind and come tomorrow morning, at 8.
- But tomorrow morning I will be dead. You must help me now.
The doctor, angrily says:
- I explained to you gently that I've finished my shift for today, and that I can't do nothing for you. You must pass here tomorrow.
- But, until tomorrow I will lose all my blood, and I will be dead. Don’t you see that I have a knife in the back.
The doctor, already very angry and irritate extracts the knife from the back, and put it in the patients’ eye.
- Now you can go to ophthalmologist, he works till 3 PM.

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.